Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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