Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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