This is not my ceiling
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
She bit a glass in half.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
