she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
