Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
