I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Randomize
