I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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