why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
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