Swine flu. Run for my life!
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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