i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Congratulations! We have a period
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