Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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