just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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