my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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