The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
