so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
