It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize