the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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