woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
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