I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
