Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
