mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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