I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
