I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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