Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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