Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
