I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It's official drugs can't kill me
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
