Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
