Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
