How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
