Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I need to sanitize my soul.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
