I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
