Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
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