If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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