Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize