Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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