imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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