I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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