My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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