You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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