Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize