life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
