I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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