Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
