I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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