My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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