Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I can feel your judgement through the phone
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize