she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
