By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
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