Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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