i wish my penis had a tongue
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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