My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
