OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
