you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
