im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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