My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
