It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
