Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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