also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize