Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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