I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
