I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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