I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
