I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize