I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Randomize
