I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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